Death of a brother: What April 14th means to me

Thinking I was going to be completely fine today had me blindsided with an emotional charge I didn't expect. First thing this morning my head-butting son got me in the cheek bone. I can't say it was an accident or not but it sent me flying out for the bathroom so I could be alone. Ouch! The pain was so overwhelming I was certain I needed ice. The tears came instantly.

I am not one to cry, but when I do, I can't hold back. My sobs were loud but I didn't know how to quiet myself. As I cried, I began to feel a hurt that didn't surprise me. It wasn't just a physical hurt, but an emotional one. Today marks the third anniversary of my little brother's death.

I knew this day was coming but I didn't expect it to get here; as if time would do me a favor and just stand still. Then, I wouldn't have to face April 14th.

Anybody who has lost a dear loved one knows that the pain of loss can come at any time. It could be a song, a movie, a meal, that takes you back to a place and time with that person. Be it good or bad, the pain of missing them returns. On this day, I didn't know when/if this pain would visit me. Was I kidding myself to think I was strong enough to not let this day bother me?

Apparently not. That head-butt from Brandt sent me straight into a dismal. Feeling physical pain gave me permission to release all of emotional pain I had stored up within me. The tears just rolled down and I lost it. I hate losing it.

I knew I had to get out of the bathroom and back into my room. I needed to cry some more in the privacy of my own space. I was angry at Brandt for hurting me like he did but couldn't refuse the hug he offered. Nick, also, kindly wrapped his arms around me. He began to pray for the day and for peace within me. I zoned out when he mentioned Caleb. I was still flooded with emotion and I couldn't think straight enough to focus on the words Nick said. Afterwards he grabbed the boy and left me to be.

When I found out Caleb took his own life, I felt a lot of pain. I had wished I could have been there for him when he doubted his worth. I wished I could have hugged him and kissed him; held him.

This morning, I struggled with those same thoughts. It hurts to feel like you failed your loved one. I felt like I had failed my brother. All I could do was think about how sorry I was for not being there for him and how much I loved and missed him. In doing so, I wept.

Its odd when you cry. Sometimes your body tenses up and you can feel a pressure in your head build. The release you get doesn't come in the form you would expect. Instead of a physical release, you get an emotional one. When you're done, you find your body physically exhausted and sore. However, often times your heart has finally been able to surrender and there is nothing left to pour out. Maybe that is why our bodies hurt after a good cry. Breaking down the walls of our heart is a painful process and the evidence remains in our physical bodies. It is actually quite a beautiful thing God designed!

In the end, crying allowed me to release what words could not. Thank you to my sister Jessica for helping me to see that.

I know I am not the only one who mourns for someone. Many of you have your own anniversary dates to overcome and will be like me when the date hits. You may even convulse and ache for the rest of the day. Just know when it does, you are not alone. You've read my story....

Psalm 30:5 "Sorrow may last through the night but joy comes in the morning."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my brother's story-- Caleb was 27 years old when he shot himself with a hand gun in the temple. I believe he was deceived by the enemy and robbed of his life. Caleb was a believer in Christ but struggled to find freedom from torment. It was his prayer he would find it on the other side.